When a relationship ends, it hurts everyone.
The person who has been dumped experiences a sudden shock and the pain and sense of loss are very strong, but the person who breaks off the relationship also experiences a whole range of negative feelings.
Researching this article, I realized that there is a lot of advice online about how to get over a breakup but very little about how to end a relationship as gently as possible.
It is almost impossible to cut without causing damage, but you can almost always minimize that damage.
When breaking up a relationship, one has to accept that this, the end, is not the only thing at stake.
If you have spent enough time with the other person, if you have shared feelings and physical and emotional intimacy, you should consolidate positive memories. And the person you're breaking up with deserves the same. That's why you need to experience a breakup that is as traumatic as possible.
Your goal in breaking up is to recognize the parts of the relationship that were good and so that the other party, looking back, does not feel overwhelmed by the past.
Because of you, because of your fault, because of your great fault.
Spanish society (with Catholic roots) tends to see those who cut as bad and those who are left as good.
And individual people too.
You may not even find support from family or friends.
That's why you're more than likely to experience feelings of guilt before, during, and after breaking up with someone.
Let me tell you an open secret: guilt is a useless feeling.
In 99% of cases, guilt will not prevent you from going against your own nature in the future, but it will make you feel bad 100%.
When the shadows lurk…
…is that you are getting closer to the truth.
So if you're thinking that it's not working, if your intuition tells you that something smells bad in Denmark, it probably is.
There is a subconscious part that directs our lives in ways we don't even suspect. And intuition is a leak. If your subconscious is the sun, intuition is a solar flare.
It is not clear what it tells us because the subconscious is a giant, shapeless mass of feelings, memories, emotions, traumas, successes and failures submerged in time and the self.
And any intuition is fleeting and elusive. That's why following it is brave.
So if your intuition tells you to cut, but your head tells you not to cut, cut. Your head is the fear of your intuition.
If you have decided to be brave, pay attention to the following tips.
How can I break up with my girlfriend without hurting her?
- End the relationship as soon as possible . If you delay the moment out of fear of the moment, the moment will become worse and worse. Postponing the inevitable will only make the inevitable hurt more.
- Break up in person . Breaking up in person is a show of respect. Breaking remotely should not be possible even for a telecommunications engineer. Breaking up with your cell phone may be fashionable , but if you do it you are being a coward. Plus, it will hurt you in the long run.
- Be honest about your feelings . It will hurt more if you don't acknowledge the real feelings. At the same time too much honesty can cause a lot of pain. You have to know how to discriminate between free and essential information.
- Be clear . Avoid vagueness. Avoid clichés and commonplaces. Be clear and direct while being empathetic.
- Take responsibility for your decision . Recognize that you are the one who is cutting off, instead of blaming circumstances or your partner.
- Listen to your partner without becoming defensive. Answer the questions they ask you (and there will be many depending on the circumstances) as honestly as possible.
- No meeting for coffee . If you cut, you cut. At least at first you have to keep your distance. Approaching the other person for whatever reasons (guilt or wanting to get laid are the most common) is disrespectful. If he has feelings for you, contact after the breakup can cause a lot of confusion. And he can try to get you back .
What not to do.
- Don't break up in public. You must give your partner the opportunity to express a free emotional reaction when you communicate your decision. Privacy is essential for this. You will want to ask questions and you need a quiet place and privacy to face the answers.
- Break on neutral ground . If you don't live together, it's better to meet somewhere that gives you privacy but doesn't belong to either of you. If you break up at your house things can get complicated if he starts to pick up his things or stay longer than necessary for whatever reason, and if you break up at his house you will leave him with a bad memory in one of the places where he spends the most time. It's going to happen soon.
- Don't give him false hope . If you are clear that you need to break up, it is better not to leave the relationship open or similar formulas.
- Don't try to move on to a friendship . Over time it may happen naturally, but trying to cushion the blow by offering friendship right after breaking up can lead to various misunderstandings and confusion.
- Don't belittle the person you're breaking up with . If you were with that person, it is because until recently the virtues outweighed the defects. Honor the virtues and do not emphasize the defects. It's already hurting enough from your cuts.
- Don't try to make that person feel better in the next few days . In no way can you be part of your ex's support network to overcome grief. You are neither his friend nor his family. You have decided it like this. At least in the short term.
- Don't have sexual relations . No matter how good they were. The potential for sex to confuse you both is endless.
Okay, good advice, but I don't know if I want to cut.
I have explained above that intuition is a great advisor that is difficult to listen to. So I'm going to give you some good reasons to break up with someone, in case you're hard of hearing.
- Bad habits. It is perfectly possible to wear out a smoker's cap if you don't smoke. Depending on the substance, things can get very complicated .
- Infidelity. A relationship is a pact of loyalty. If the terms of the contract stipulate fidelity and you break the contract, you can clearly break the relationship. Be careful, it is possible to forgive infidelity .
- He transmits his pessimism to you . If he comes home from work and takes out his frustration on you, if everything is the fault of others, if he does nothing but complain about his bad luck, saying how unhappy he is, believing himself to be a victim of circumstances... etc... run away. Run away quickly and without looking back. Negative people spread their way of being with frightening ease. Of course, if this pessimism is temporary, you have to try to support your partner. Everyone goes through bad times.
- He doesn't support you. Your partner should support you in front of the world almost always. If you feel that instead of supporting you, he belittles you, or doesn't help you with the things you ask of him, break up quickly.
- It is a controller . Don't like your friends? Can't stop looking at your phone? Do you distrust without reason? Does he tell you all the time what you have to do? Does he correct you both on important things and on inconsequential nonsense? Cut now!
- He has no signs of affection. That's not bad, in principle. There are people who are dry as a branch and love with all their hearts and others who are worse than a pastry filled with cotton candy and it's all a facade. But if someone is not how you would like them to be (affectionate or the opposite) and they are not, you will not be able to change them. It is better to cut.
- Lie . If your partner constantly lies to you and you discover it, it is time to break up. A relationship is based on trust and lying is weak. Do you want a weak person you can't trust by your side?
- Constant discussions . Hello? Are you listening? Having an argument is not something unusual in a relationship. Having them constantly is a sign (about the size of our galaxy, more or less) that something is not right.
- Sex is conspicuous by its absence. If sex fails, a basic part of the relationship is failing. You are roommates, rather than desire partners. Furthermore, when I talk about sexuality, I'm not just talking about the bed moment, but about the games, the looks, the complicity outside of it. There are a wide variety of sexual acts (that don't even require the sense of touch) outside of the bedroom. If all this sexual complicity disappears, there may be nothing left.
- Divergent life projects . Do me a favor: if someone tells you that they want to have 5 children and your greatest dream in life is to make a living from a travel blog, it's time to call it quits. Do they transfer her to Polynesia and you to Zamora? Maybe you can consider a long-distance relationship , but it doesn't sound very realistic.
Cut to the chase.
When you leave someone, try to cut things off. Don't leave any gangrenous parts (I imagine the expression was invented by a doctor about to amputate) on either limb. Or things will get very complicated.
Be quick, respectful and honest and you will have minimized the damage.
Maybe for a while you won't want to know anything about relationships or even one-night sex. Maybe in a few weeks or months, the idea of meeting girls or boys will be excessive and make you lazy.
But sooner or later you will return to the market. It's human nature.
And you know what? Follamigos.com is the page with the largest community of open and liberal people in Spain.
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